The Secret List

Some of you may recall The List from the beginning of the summer. You may also recall that the list was discontinued because people tried to get on it. Little did anyone know, the list continues to be compiled, in secret. Work returned to normal, but the gears continued to move. 

I give you:

THE SECRET LIST

-I can't believe that came out like that

-Did you lick them?
-I might as well have

-Oh, don't touch me there. Don't rip that off. 

-Oh she can stack it. She can stack it high.

-He got it all over me.
-I can't control it. I got some on myself too.
-His aim is terrible.
-Yeah, it's awful.

-I don't like this. What are you doing to me? STOP...

Internationally Collected

-Why would you do that? I'm very sensitive...

-Did I squirt enough?

-Everything you touch breaks.
-That's my demon.

-He likes it a bit. I think...

-I'm not big enough to do this

-Get me something else to drink! That was god-awful!

-I'm not perky?
-You're wearing a bra.

-This doesn't happen when you're not watching!

-Oh no, it's too thick

-Why would it do that?
-Because you pulled it too far

-I made 'em really soft

-I wanna teabag your tray

-It doesn't do anything for me.
-But it tastes good

*insert finger here and pull back*

-It kind of destroys my mouth

-DON'T TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS

-I open my mouth and things come out

-That must have been before I came, I don't remember it

-I think I flung it too hard, and it just came out. 

-Bring it, I'll just eat it

-My hands are all sticky

-There's a bang, someone says my name, and then it's done. 

-Now scream for it

-I try to be sweet and innocent.
-There's where you're going wrong.

-Of course, the one box I'm not looking at. 

-You're a little on the small size. 

-Deal with my box

Hard to get quotes when everyone has gone home

-Does it stand up on its own?

-She's cheap and she's easy

-I'll tape you down later

-Those are NOT my elbows

-Never mind, I don't want to finish

-We're putting out dry 

-I'm gonna fling my juices at you 

-It squirts at you

-You're such a little butt muncher.
-Yes I am

-Stupid tiny jugs.
-Don't you just hate tiny jugs?
-Yeah, you can't do anything with them.

-Oh, I love going hard. I LOVE going hard

-I choke. They tell me to open my throat, but I can't. 

-I don't think it's going to be that big of a load

-Oh my god, it's really long

-Just go ahead and pop your head in

-You're not bouncing with me, you're just bouncing against me

-Arm getting tired?
-No, my hand hurts.

-I want to see it! Show it to me!

-But then I'd have to turn it weird when I'm putting it in

-This is America! Of course colour matters!

-I guess I passed out sometime during that interaction with myself. 

-It's just gonna fall off, it'll be easy

-It was hot and sticky and I didn't want it touching me

-I guess I can't talk and spread at the same time. 

-Gus is always open. Always watching...

-Sorry dude, I have clean hands.
-When you have dirty hands, come find me.

-In the freezer, no one can hear you scream. 

-What time does the bang bang start?

-I didn't know! It was my first time!



And with that, The List comes to a close for the year. Thanks to everyone who took part, and was a good sport about it. I hope this has given some of you a smile

Possibly the last time this shot can happen. Rest well, Towers

Toodles!

What has been heard...

For those of you who have never worked in food service, there is something you should know about kitchen workers. We get a little crazy in there. We arrive really early, we work all day, it's hot, and the work can be a little monotonous at times. All of this together makes for a dangerous situation, because we get bored. Getting bored leads to bad things.

Specifically, getting bored means that everything said in the kitchen gets turned into an innuendo. So, here lies the list of terrible things heard in the kitchen, without any context. This list also only accounts for about 4 days worth of material. 

"So how do you go down?"

"Just shove it in! Worry about it later."

"Uhm, did you remember to pull it out?..."

"You got it in his hair, now it'll never come out." "What is his girlfriend going to think?" "Not the first guy I've done it to"

"We'll see how long it gets"

"I made her scream last night"

"I had a really bad habit of putting things in my mouth." "Yeah, I've got a 28 year old friend who does that"

"It's a special relationship when two guys shamble around in their underwear at six in the morning."

"I know what to do with my hands, but I don't know how to twist it"

"You don't need a spoon bro, my hands are all over it"

"We've done it both ways"

"She's complaining about her arm being sore, and then not letting me do it."

"It's worse when I pause and then keep going."

"Just pull me in when you start doing it."

"Just give me your balls."

"It's almost there, it's almost there!" "There it is!"

"It's going to be huge and awful." "Maybe you just suck."

"That must have been hard for you." "No, I'm good at multitasking."

"Your weiner looks so much better than mine."

"I don't think about it until it comes out of my mouth."

"It gapes open every night."

"They might need to screw in a new hole."

"Well, you can finish today by yourself."

"I finally figured out why the melons are so big. They're from Texas, and even our melons are bigger in Texas."

"Okay, now I get to find out if I fit." "Sounds like me yesterday."

"It's in there."

"I don't want to squeeze right now."

"Are you enjoying your melons?"

""Can I watch?" "Yes." "Sweet..."

"Yeah, it got soft."

"It would feel really good though." "Not for her." "Depends if she likes pain or not."

"I like to bang things on the table too."

"Pull one out and give it to me."

"It doesn't work with three people because it would be done really quickly."

"Can I borrow your hand?"

"You guys can take it or leave it, but it's going in my mouth."

"Is it big and puffy?"

"Stick your hand in. Is it soft and sticky?"

"Jack is too small."

"It's so much effort though." "But it tastes so good."

"He's not coming today! I'm so upset!"

"It's literally everywhere. The counter, the stove, the floor..."

Just remember, no matter how difficult things seem, or how tired you feel, sometimes a good laugh is all you need to keep it all going

Watching a coworker shove a handful of chocolate mousse into his own face works too. 

Toodles!