The (Short) Life of a Beard

I do apologize for my missing post last Monday. I know some of you basically only check in the read my more thoughtful posts on Mondays, so those readers kind of got shafted last week. My sincerest apologies, and thank you for coming back to read this week even though it's coming out a little late in the day. Today's post is also going to be super personal to me, like any time I talk about mental health issues. GIANT BLOCK OF TEXT INCOMING.

When people get really stressed out, there's a saying that can pop up from time to time, that they "want to tear my hair out in frustration". What a lot of people might not realize is that this is actually a legitimate reaction to stress for some. There is a disorder called Trichotillomania, which translates to a hair-pulling disorder. What does that actually mean?

When people with TTM feel stressed out, or sad, or bored (whatever their trigger is), they can have one of two reactions. One reaction is to unconsciously pull out their hairs, while the other is to be aware of the action and to feel satisfaction from the act. Commonly suffers of this disorder will pull out the hairs from the top of their head, eyebrows, or eyelashes, but any hair can suffice.

As far as self destructive disorders go, you might be thinking that pulling out a few hairs isn't that bad. At least you're not cutting yourself or breaking bones. TTM, like everything, affects different people to different degrees. Think about how long it might take someone to tweeze their eyebrows into the "perfect shape". More severe cases of TTM will literally pull every hair of their head, one at a time. Think how freaking long that would take. Some people will also bite or swallow the hairs they pull out, which can cause harmful buildups in their digestive track. The picking can also cause damage to the skin, as you can easily imagine. 

In our aesthetic society, having patchy hair or missing your eyebrows can be a terrible crime. Sufferers of TTM often feel great shame for what they do, and will try to hide it from other people, using wigs to cover up the results of their picking, or willingly shaving off any hair that remains after a session of pulling. It's terrible how our society treats people who look differently than the "norm", going so far as to shame people for it. It makes disorders like TTM such a difficult one to deal with, as the shame and emotional distress often leave people hiding their affliction, not reaching out for the help they need.

SO. Why am I writing about this? What the heck does this have to do with the life of a beard, or the random dude writing this blog?

You're clever people. You can put two and two together. I have a slight case of trichotillomania. Luckily for me, I do not pull out hairs on my head, or eyelashes. One upside of being a male is the fact that my face grows hair all the time. The downside is that I actually like having a beard. When I'm having a good day, I have a nice beard. When I'm stressed out, or really bored, or even just have the hair just a little bit too long, I absolutely destroy my beard. It turns into a really weird goatee-and-mutton-chop thing. I usually have to completely shave my beard off every few months just to reset the whole thing and hide the patches of pulled out hair. Having Style call me when I'm unconsciously pulling out hair has been helping, and I really do thank her for that. 

A Youtuber named Beckie0 has been incredibly public about having TTM. You can see a quick BBC coverage of her story below. Her Youtube page is here.

For some basic information about trichotillomania, click here.

Please people, the next time you see people that look a little different than what you expect, don't just immediately assume they chose to look that way. If they did, that's what they want, respect their choices. But keep in mind that some people are fighting things you couldn't possibly imagine. Some people suffer physically for their mental warfare. Don't be so quick to judge, and don't shame someone for their appearance. Be a better person than that. The world needs more people like that, people who are better, people who make being in public a social thing and a pleasant experience, not a gauntlet of shame and judgement.

Toodles!

The Pit

Depression is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been strong for far too long.
 - Robin Williams

Last week I talked about the wall that anxiety can throw into your face at any given moment. Anxiety attacks can be abrupt, violently changing your mood at a moment's notice. Anxiety is often visible to others who pay enough attention. Depression is a different beast. Depression is patient. It eats away your sanity, your motivation, your very energy. It lets you be happy for periods of time, allows you to show those around you that you are feeling okay. It allows you to construct a mask that you put on in front of others to let them think everything is fine. Then depression decides that the next day you physically won't be able to get out of bed. Depression is a terrible dungeon master who knows that in order to create the most pain, you allow the victim to feel hope and happiness before ripping it from them.

Anxiety is a wall. Depression is a pit.

The pit can form for many reasons. Personal setbacks, loss of loved ones, toxic relationships, physical abuse, chemical imbalances that are entirely out of your control, and countless other things. What makes depression so awful is that unlike anxiety, it doesn't always have an immediate onset. It can build over time, slowly dropping you further and further into the ground. It can do it so subtly you don't even realize it's happening. But once down in that pit, it can seem impossible to climb out.

So people accept that they are living below ground. They build their lives down there, devoid of sunlight and true happiness. Sometimes, other people in their lives wonder where they have gone, so the depressed put on their public face and show themselves. The happiness they show can be real and they can feel like they are living in the sun again, and sometimes it is simply a facade to make the people around them feel like nothing is wrong.

Depression has a strange way of manipulating the way you perceive things. It causes you to think that you are a burden to those around you, that you don't deserve the care and love from the people in your life. It makes you want to sit in your darkness so that you don't trouble anyone else with your issues. These issues are all consuming in life, but somehow they seem to be trivial things that others shouldn't need to see or help with.



I want to try and explain what this life is like to those who don't fully understand.

If you are living with depression or anxiety, please be careful with reading this next part. I know what that life feels like, and this next part could be a little too real. Please feel free to skip ahead if you need to.



Imagine, if you can, living in the pit. Alone, dark, without drive or purpose. It's like being asleep but not resting. Life without living. You decide you are done with this non-existence and want to take the healthy next step. You decide to try and climb out of the pit. You can see the light, the laughter, above you. You see people who could care about you.

Now imagine that the wall of anxiety hits you.

You fall crashing from the heights you've achieved. You lay broken, crying, struggling to breath. No one is there to help. You scream, words stop making sense, only primal sounds escape your lips.

No one is there to hear your cries.

No one is there to tell you to breath.

No one is there to hold your broken body.

No one sees your pain.

Now you gaze up at the top of the pit, which got a little deeper from the impact of your crash. You see those who are happy, who are living their lives with a purpose. You want to join them. But now you know that the wall could appear from anywhere. And you know how agonizing the fall is now.



This is what living with depression and anxiety can feel like. It's not how everyone feel it. But what I can tell you is that everyone wears a mask. Be it just to get along with that one friend of a friend who you just can't stand, to hide depression so others don't feel it's burden, or simply because the mask has been in place so long that you've forgotten how to take it off.
This tattoo is me. Literally. I had this done within the last week, and it holds so much meaning to me. I will forever have inscribed in my skin that the smiles may hide the pain. Some people become so skilled at acting, at portraying the role of a happy person, that others are convinced. They don't see the actual face under the mask. They don't see the pain, the tears, the anguish.

If you suspect someone you know is struggling with depression, don't push them to talk to you. That can be so incredibly difficult. Just stay close. Watch them. Notice the small changes in their being. You'll know when you can talk to them about it, when they want to talk to you, when you need to just listen, or when you need to simply be there for them.

“I hid my wound under my clothes. Nobody could see it, including myself, and I completely forgot about it. Then I met someone who, filled with love, held me tight in that point. The pain was devastating, and I hated him, o how much I hated him, the cause of all my suffering. Then I met someone, beautifully dressed, and I loved him so much, holding him tight with all my passion. And he suffered badly, and he hated me, o how much he hated me, the cause of all his pain. So the story went on till I met someone who undressed himself, standing completely naked, with all his horrible wounds. Hence I also undressed, and I saw my horrible wounds, which he could also see. Then...” 
― Franco Santoro

Toodles!

I Wrote This For You // The Song Across Wires

The "baggage" that people carry around with them, their history, is something that for some reason has become kind of negative aspect. That the choices that made them precisely who they are today are somehow a burden for the people they let into their lives. Being a mess doesn't make you messy, it makes you unique. No matter how many times you spill milk on the floor, it'll never look the exact same twice. The real trick to dealing with your past is to find people who accept you for who you are, not who you used to be. That old version of you is important, for sure, they grew into the current you. But remember which one of them you live as. You can dwell on the old one, as the current one stands still in life. Or you can live as you are, and be able to look back at the footsteps that you've made up to this point, and the paths ahead waiting for you to step there.

The Song Across Wires

I'm a picture without a frame.

A poem without a rhyme.

A car with three tires.

A sun without fire.

I am a gun without bullets.

I am the truth without someone to hear it.

I am a feeling without someone to feel it.

This is who I am.

A mess without you.

Something beautiful with you.

*Reminder that I take no credit for this work. It does not belong to me, I did not make it, I make no claim to it other than the feelings it evokes in me.

Toodles!

The Wall

The amount of reality in this picture hits me right in the feels. For people who have never had to deal with anxiety in their own lives, count yourself insanely lucky. To be clear, anxiety and depression are two different things, though they often go hand in hand. Depression makes you feel like shit, that you don't want to do anything. Anxiety makes you think about why you'd fail, who you're letting down, what could go wrong, and anytime you've failed in the past. That's the worst part about anxiety. It makes you think. You get caught up in your own head and tear yourself apart, without even attempting the thing that is causing you to panic.

Now, people experience anxiety and depression differently on a person to person basis. Some people shut themselves down, refusing to feel anything. Some feel too much, and get overloaded and breakdown. Some yell and scream, logically or irrationally. Some might even get violent, with objects or (unfortunately) themselves or other people.

If you're someone who has anxiety, or are simply trying to help someone who has it, one method you can use to fight against an anxiety attack is with a method called "grounding".

Grounding does not solve an anxiety attack. That is not what it's purpose is. Grounding is essentially a very simple form of meditation that helps you calm down, to put your brain back in control so you can deal with what is actually bothering you. Anxiety and depression have a nasty habit of blowing a small problem way out of proportion.

I'd like to mention one more thing before I finish up. It is OKAY to not know what is wrong. It is OKAY to not know how to fix why you feel this way right now. It is OKAY that you don't feel the same way as some other people. It is OKAY to feel that things in your life are difficult, even without being a kid in some place in Africa.

Right now, everything might feel like a pile of shit. But it will be okay. It might not be okay in the next minute, or the next hour, or tomorrow. But it will be okay. It will work out eventually. And there is ALWAYS at least one person who cares about you.

Remember that. I care.

Toodles!

Pacing

Something that has always been interesting to me is the pace at which people take relationships, and what is considered an acceptable pace by our society. Every relationship I've been in has taken a different pace, but each one felt like the right speed at the time. I wonder what it is that constitutes the rate a relationship develops? How do you get from that first touch to the first kiss, when the closeness in private becomes public, when you talk about the next weekend and then you're talking about years in advance?

Another part of this that intrigues me is how some relationships stall out at certain stages. I've been with a girl that had the relationship stop at being comfortable with each other's proximity in private, which occurred quite quickly, but never went public. Another took almost two months just to be comfortable with each other in our physical bubbles. After a lot of work and patience, we progressed to being public and making those short term plans with each other, but there was never a thought about spending our lives together.

Which brings me to my next area of interest for the norm of relationships. Talking about spending the future with your partner shouldn't feel scary. It should be exciting. Even if it's not easy, or is still a ways off in the future, I believe that honesty should rule in a relationship. If you are willing to move somewhere else for your partner's career or education, they should know that. If you want children or not, they should know. Most importantly, they should know if you can actually see a future with them.

It could just be that I've finally grown up, and want to be with someone for the rest of my life. I only want that one partner, who knows all the parts that make me up. But I'm still stuck with the issue of pacing. How long do we need to be together for me to know with absolute certainty that we will spend our lives together? How long before we begin making life decisions based around each other?

I'm curious as to what other people's opinions on pacing in relationships are. Please leave your thoughts, or stories you've experienced on the matter, in the comments below. You can always leave your comments as anonymous if you wish.

Toodles!

Sit and Be Calm

Life can get hectic. It can also be extremely overloading to your senses, with too many things to have on your to-do list, another article to read, another website to check. Sometimes, you just need a reminder that your mental health is important to maintain. It's not just a matter of "Don't be stressed and you'll be happy". Finding that moment of calm every day can be really important.

Calm is a website (and mobile app) that allows you to take a 2-20 minute meditation. You are able to choose a setting (Background, music/sound), the duration of your break, and whether or not your meditation is guided (having a voice give you directions on what to do with your awareness and body during the meditation).

Taking care of your mental health is just as important as your diet or physical maintenance. It only takes a couple of minutes. Check it out.

Toodles!

Everything is Awful and I'm Not Okay

But really, I'm doing really well right now.

Anyway, today's cool internet thingy is going to be a little different. Tuesday's have honestly been one of the harder days for me to come up with topics, so I'm broadening the spectrum to include cool bits of media that I've found on the internet. One such cool thing I've found is a small piece of advice that honestly can help you through some shitty days. It honestly is just a list of obvious questions and answers, but in life, common sense is getting rarer. As well, it can be the right little reminder if you're struggling, feeling depressed, or anything that's got you down.

For those of you who hate Google, here's a shot of the sheet. I also have no idea how long it will stay up, so if you'd like the original copy, try the link below.
Self Care on Google Drive


JUST DO IT (Insert flexing arms here)

Toodles!

Words for those who need them

I want to let you know how much it actually means to me that you actually read this blog. The fact that there are people on the internet, some of which I have never met in any form, who are interested in what I have to say means the world to me. Whether or not people leave comments is irrelevant. Just knowing that people take time out of their day to read this blog fills me with a sense of accomplishment. I'm telling you this so that I can make the follow statement with some meaning behind it:

I care about you, and your well-being.

I may not be in the same city, provence, country, or even continent as you right now. But know that someone, somewhere, cares about you. Take some amount of comfort, if you please, in the fact that you make my life better simply by being you. That's you as you are right now. Not the you from yesterday, or the you from next week. The you, right now, reading this, in whatever state of mind you currently are in.

Now, I know that there are different kinds of depression, big and small. Some of you have been diagnosed and are taking medication. Some of you may be struggling with the decision of whether or not to get that check-up. Some of you may not even be aware of the fact that the depression is there. And still some others may be totally content with the state they're in right now. What's important to know is that regardless of what state you're in, it's alright. You are who you are right at this moment, chemically balanced or not. People around you choose to be there because of the who you are now.

For those of you who are skeptical, thinking "What does he know? Having depression is hard, and he couldn't possibly understand what I go through ever day," know that I do realize what it's like. I have been where you are, and I know how much of a struggle it can be to simply get out of bed. I want you to know that it does get better. It doesn't happen instantly, or in a day, or a week. It happens at your own pace, a little bit at a time, and with help from others. If you want advice, ask someone for it. If you want to vent, ask someone to just listen. If you just want to sit in a room and not talk to anyone, ask someone to sit in silence with you. If you don't know who to ask, ask me. I'll sit silently in front of my computer on Skype if that's what you need. You will find out who your lifelong friends are by finding out who will help you when you ask.

I realize that I don't know a lot, that I don't have a medical degree or a firm understanding of what depression actually does to each individual person. All I can offer is to tell you I care about you, and I want to do whatever I can to help you feel even a little bit better. I also have some tips and tricks that may help you get one step higher on the ladder climb out. They helped me when I needed it.

-Stay away from processed foods. The chemicals and preservatives don't help you when your body is already out of whack chemically,

-Cut down on carbohydrates, especially empty carbs. They convert into chemicals that, while good for sustenance, are oddly bad for mental health. Switching to a more protein based diet from my carb based one made me feel immensely better.

-Open the blinds (And a window, weather permitting). You don't have to go outside, but getting light and fresh air into your environment can help.

-Eat spicy food or drink chai tea (And anyone who reads this blog know that I mean REAL chai tea [There is a dramatic difference]). The chemicals in both help to balance your own levels.

-Talk to someone, even if it's just yourself. Using your voice can help lift your spirits. Being alone in silence keeps you bottled up and unable to let go of thoughts.

-Try to do something you enjoy every day. Even if it's just one small thing, and you do it once a day, it can help. If you can, find that thing that makes you smile.

-Overcome the negative stigma behind seeing a doctor. Their job is to help you, be it through an exercise routine, a diet change, medication, social changes, or any number of other possible solutions. 

One last thing. Somehow, our society has conditioned us to believe that those with depression are weak, broken, damaged, or lesser people. Don't believe this for even a moment. Those who suffer from depression and anxiety do exactly that. They suffer. Don't judge others because of a condition they have, embrace them for the strength they possess.

I can't promise you that these things will help you. I can tell you that these things helped me over time. If nothing else, remember that I think you're awesome. There is, at the very least, one person in the world who cares about how you are doing.

Toodles!

Find a Reason

I do apologize to my readers that haven't been posting on my regular schedule. Between the insane work hours, and talking to a pretty girl, my posting has definitely suffered.

Speaking of a pretty girl, I smile like a complete idiot when I talk to her. That grin is the topic of today's post. The difference in my mood has been huge since I started talking with this girl (I'll call her Kitten, for the sake of giving her a name on the Internet). I can have an absolutely abysmal day, but two seconds into a Skype call with Kitten has me smiling and laughing.

This isn't a post intended to be a bragging thing. I simply want to illustrate the impact that having a reason to smile can have. It might be a book you love, a video game, a cup of tea, a person who understands how your brain works. It's different for everyone, but there's something out there that never fails to make you smile. If you know what that thing is, make sure you hold onto it, and treat it well. You never know when something will happen and you might lose it. If you haven't found that foolproof source of a smile, don't give up. You might go for quite some time without a genuine smile source, but you'll find it. Trust me.

This might not be as profound as some of my other Monday posts, but it certainly an important one. Figure out what makes you happy, and do it. It's better to enjoy your life and embrace the pain of loss afterwards, than to sit in fear of being hurt and not enjoying anything. 

Find your reason. It's there. It might seem small, but it's huge to you, and that's what matters.

Thanks for making me smile Kitten. 

Toodles!

Titles Are Important

There's a number of things I'd like to talk about today. The first being that I am going to split up the pictures I have been embedding into my posts. That way, if you just like Plantie, or random Poros, you can just look at those without having to scroll through my rantings.

The second thing I'd like to discuss is the name of this blog. It is called Repetitive Motions, and I chose that name because of how things in life tend to go. One of my passions is tea, and the process of making it is quite ritualistic (considering there are ceremonies based around it, that isn't too surprising). Certain steps followed in order, performed in similar ways. Another big aspect of my life is music. I'm working towards becoming a music teacher, and I specialize in percussion instruments. This particular branch of musical instruments is massive when it comes to gear and techniques you can learn. BUT, at it's core, there are basics that you apply to most areas. And honestly, nothing is more repetitive than practicing doubles on snare drum for an hour.
There are many aspects of life that could be quite monotonous if you let them. The things you love can become boring if you don't find ways to maintain your passion for them. Making the same pot of tea, every day, the same way, could be taken in two ways. It's either a comfortable tradition you can depend on, or a rut that you lay in without progressing. Realizing the difference between the two is probably on the list of the most important things you will learn in life (Pushes glasses up my very unexperienced nose).

Now, so far this blog has just been a way for me to dump out what's on my brain at the time. I have no idea how many of the views I've received are actually interested in my thoughts or just misclicks. So, in an effort to include the peoples of the internet, I open myself up to you all. Leave me questions in the comments of a post, tell me how a story relates to you (or doesn't), suggest future topics for post, art you'd like to share. WHATEVER. I'm interested in your lives. Truly.

So. Yeah. POST STUFF FOR ME TO SEE.

Toodles!

edit: The irony of this post is that I forgot to put the title on it before posting it originally... I'm so good at this!

A Trip down Memory Lane

So, this is going to get really personal. If you don't want to get into my history or just don't care about it, skip to the bottom for a Poro picture (It's why you all come here anyway). As I sit here typing, outside is absolutely pouring. It's hasn't rained like this in a while, and I find myself hating the weather despite the fact that many people love rain. Obviously people who farm (which is a lot of people where I live) enjoy the rain as it helps their livelihoods. But I personally know a number of people who see it raining outside, and rush out to stand in it. I usually stand under a roof somewhere and look at them in confusion.

Some backstory to my dislike is probably in order. A number of years ago, I met a girl (Cue groaning, tiny violins, and other forms of cliches). This girl had me absolutely smitten, to the point that the young me believed I was in love for the first time in my life. I spent a huge amount of time with her and did everything I could to impress her. I played piano for her so she had an accompanist, I sang songs for her despite my very unimpressive singing voice, I tried to get all the answers right in theory class to show off to her (This was all at band camp, so music stuff is basically all we did every day).
Anyway, this went on for a while and I began to slowly work up all the courage a geeky teenage boy could to tell the pretty girl how he felt. Literally the day a planned to tell her how I felt, the worst possible thing, in my mind, happened. A boy she knew from before showed up. He was athletic, he was suave, and he had history with her. He was also a colossal ass-hat. You might be thinking that I only thought this because he swooped in and stole the girl I was pining over, but this was an opinion shared by everyone I talked to about him. Somehow, he took my place in her affection within minutes of his arrival.
The next week was spent watching the girl I was in love with spend all her time with someone I despised. The worst part was that this guy saw that I liked her, and paraded her around in front of me, mocking me. After the week of came to a close, the girl of my affection (and Mr. Ass-Hat, thankfully) went home. There was only one week left for me at this point, but I probably didn't care at all. It rained for that entire last week. Not "Drizzling on and off for a few days". Every. Single. Day. For a week. So the skies matched my mood, and engrained the association with rain and depression into my mind.

Now, I look outside and see the rain. I remember my friends who love the rain and all those scenes in movies where the two lovers finally kiss while it's deluging out. They all seem so happy in the rain. I think it's time I was happy in the rain again.

Plantie has angered the Skygods. The mock him with water that he cannot reach.

Today's Poro is pretending to be a mermaid, and even has a few little fish-Poro friends. Because reasons.

Toodles!

A Long Hiatus

It's been quite a while since my last post, and there have been a lot of changes in my life in that time. I'm not even sure I live in the same place as I was when I last posted. Regardless, I've made a lot of lifestyle changes in the last couple of months. Getting back to posting my thoughts could be another positive change.

So one of the big changes I made was actually going to the gym. Not "Oh, I should work-out more." *Proceed to binge a Netflix show with a bag of chips*. To be fair, I still love watching Netflix and have been given the clear to eat a ton of food. What I mean is that I actually go to the gym, and work out all of my muscles. This causes me to be sore. Like, all the bloody time. The difference now is that my muscles are sore instead of randomly in pain. I must say, I'll take sore over pain any day.

Another big change since my last post is the fact that I am, once again, single. This is certainly for the better, based on how that relationship turned out. The crappy thing about being single is missing human contact. Not like shaking hands, or giving a friend a smack for being dumb. I sincerely miss intimate contact, having someone to hug or hold hands with. Someone to just sit directly next to and sit against them happily. Yes, I am a huge romantic and extremely cheesy. That's just how I do relationships. While I miss this kind of contact, I'm coming to terms with the fact that right now I just don't have that. I've got some great friends around to keep me sane, even if some like to be jerks about it and mess with me. When you have people around that know you well enough to screw with you, without being genuinely mean, you're in a good place.

I don't really know how this blog will evolve at this point. The post might be pretty random unless people ask for a specific direction. If you stick around, I appreciate the interest.

This is Plantie. He lives in my apartment at the moment, and I am doing what I can to keep him alive as long as possible. You shall see more of Plantie in the future.

And this is a Poro, from League of Legends, simply because he is adorable. He is pretending to be a pirate. Because reasons.

Toodles!