The (Short) Life of a Beard

I do apologize for my missing post last Monday. I know some of you basically only check in the read my more thoughtful posts on Mondays, so those readers kind of got shafted last week. My sincerest apologies, and thank you for coming back to read this week even though it's coming out a little late in the day. Today's post is also going to be super personal to me, like any time I talk about mental health issues. GIANT BLOCK OF TEXT INCOMING.

When people get really stressed out, there's a saying that can pop up from time to time, that they "want to tear my hair out in frustration". What a lot of people might not realize is that this is actually a legitimate reaction to stress for some. There is a disorder called Trichotillomania, which translates to a hair-pulling disorder. What does that actually mean?

When people with TTM feel stressed out, or sad, or bored (whatever their trigger is), they can have one of two reactions. One reaction is to unconsciously pull out their hairs, while the other is to be aware of the action and to feel satisfaction from the act. Commonly suffers of this disorder will pull out the hairs from the top of their head, eyebrows, or eyelashes, but any hair can suffice.

As far as self destructive disorders go, you might be thinking that pulling out a few hairs isn't that bad. At least you're not cutting yourself or breaking bones. TTM, like everything, affects different people to different degrees. Think about how long it might take someone to tweeze their eyebrows into the "perfect shape". More severe cases of TTM will literally pull every hair of their head, one at a time. Think how freaking long that would take. Some people will also bite or swallow the hairs they pull out, which can cause harmful buildups in their digestive track. The picking can also cause damage to the skin, as you can easily imagine. 

In our aesthetic society, having patchy hair or missing your eyebrows can be a terrible crime. Sufferers of TTM often feel great shame for what they do, and will try to hide it from other people, using wigs to cover up the results of their picking, or willingly shaving off any hair that remains after a session of pulling. It's terrible how our society treats people who look differently than the "norm", going so far as to shame people for it. It makes disorders like TTM such a difficult one to deal with, as the shame and emotional distress often leave people hiding their affliction, not reaching out for the help they need.

SO. Why am I writing about this? What the heck does this have to do with the life of a beard, or the random dude writing this blog?

You're clever people. You can put two and two together. I have a slight case of trichotillomania. Luckily for me, I do not pull out hairs on my head, or eyelashes. One upside of being a male is the fact that my face grows hair all the time. The downside is that I actually like having a beard. When I'm having a good day, I have a nice beard. When I'm stressed out, or really bored, or even just have the hair just a little bit too long, I absolutely destroy my beard. It turns into a really weird goatee-and-mutton-chop thing. I usually have to completely shave my beard off every few months just to reset the whole thing and hide the patches of pulled out hair. Having Style call me when I'm unconsciously pulling out hair has been helping, and I really do thank her for that. 

A Youtuber named Beckie0 has been incredibly public about having TTM. You can see a quick BBC coverage of her story below. Her Youtube page is here.

For some basic information about trichotillomania, click here.

Please people, the next time you see people that look a little different than what you expect, don't just immediately assume they chose to look that way. If they did, that's what they want, respect their choices. But keep in mind that some people are fighting things you couldn't possibly imagine. Some people suffer physically for their mental warfare. Don't be so quick to judge, and don't shame someone for their appearance. Be a better person than that. The world needs more people like that, people who are better, people who make being in public a social thing and a pleasant experience, not a gauntlet of shame and judgement.

Toodles!

An Update // Tea Shop

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for their patience during my short break from posting. The time off was definitely a good way for me to get some posts queued up, opportunities to think, and to spend some time with Style. During this break, I also came to a rather abrupt decision. With school starting again, I was accelerated in making my choice between continuing my degree for a few years, or simply finishing my bachelor degree and beginning a passion project of mine that has been stewing in my brain for a few years now. Because of the deadline of registration, I chose to follow my passion. I will be finishing my degree this year and figuring out how to open up my own tea shop.

I've always heard it said that you shouldn't just do whatever job you can for a career. You're supposed to do what you love, what you're supremely passionate about, and figure out a way to make money doing it. It might be difficult to start, it might even be difficult for your entire life. But doing what you love makes it worth it. I love music, and I love teaching music. But there have been times throughout my degree that I have lost that spark, that necessary component of teaching. During these moments of doubt and disinterest, I have never lost my passion for tea. It's always been interesting to me, comforting no matter the situation.

One of the jobs I've had as an adult was working in a tea shop, selling bags of looseleaf tea. It was an amazing experience that I learned a lot doing. Part of being hired for that job was taking a class all about tea. I even discovered that you can get certificates in tea knowledge (That I will most likely be pursuing later). Anyway, the owner of this shop moved to another provence, as the store was more of a hobby for him instead of his career.

With the closing of my beloved local teashop, the only place that sells looseleaf tea in my city is a poor excuse for a store, a mass produced chain store. Don't get me wrong, I see the appeal and purpose. It's not a terrible place for people to start their adventures into looseleaf tea. But for someone who has moved beyond the taste of artificial flavours and sweeteners, I can't really enjoy the tea from there anymore. This strands me, and people with similar palettes, without a place to buy good looseleaf tea. This planted the idea in my mind that I could open a teashop.

One aspect of local shops, of any kind, I've always loved is how welcoming they can feel. Like how you can just walk in one afternoon and spend a couple of hours there, reading or talking or whatever. This is very reminiscent of the teahouses of Asia, and something that my city is very much lacking. This is my vision for my own shop. I want a place where you can walk in, sit down in a nice chair, order a cup or pot of tea, and spend some time enjoying yourself. Too much of life is rushed through, not enjoyed. I want there to be a place that has great quality tea, a relaxing atmosphere, and a place of community. That's the goal for my shop.

If you have any ideas, suggestions, or requests regarding the shop, please leave a comment or message. Know a great kind of tea you would like to see served? Let me know! Have an amazing artist who wants some art publicized? Shoot me a comment and a contact! Really, all ideas are welcome.

Toodles!

The Pit

Depression is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been strong for far too long.
 - Robin Williams

Last week I talked about the wall that anxiety can throw into your face at any given moment. Anxiety attacks can be abrupt, violently changing your mood at a moment's notice. Anxiety is often visible to others who pay enough attention. Depression is a different beast. Depression is patient. It eats away your sanity, your motivation, your very energy. It lets you be happy for periods of time, allows you to show those around you that you are feeling okay. It allows you to construct a mask that you put on in front of others to let them think everything is fine. Then depression decides that the next day you physically won't be able to get out of bed. Depression is a terrible dungeon master who knows that in order to create the most pain, you allow the victim to feel hope and happiness before ripping it from them.

Anxiety is a wall. Depression is a pit.

The pit can form for many reasons. Personal setbacks, loss of loved ones, toxic relationships, physical abuse, chemical imbalances that are entirely out of your control, and countless other things. What makes depression so awful is that unlike anxiety, it doesn't always have an immediate onset. It can build over time, slowly dropping you further and further into the ground. It can do it so subtly you don't even realize it's happening. But once down in that pit, it can seem impossible to climb out.

So people accept that they are living below ground. They build their lives down there, devoid of sunlight and true happiness. Sometimes, other people in their lives wonder where they have gone, so the depressed put on their public face and show themselves. The happiness they show can be real and they can feel like they are living in the sun again, and sometimes it is simply a facade to make the people around them feel like nothing is wrong.

Depression has a strange way of manipulating the way you perceive things. It causes you to think that you are a burden to those around you, that you don't deserve the care and love from the people in your life. It makes you want to sit in your darkness so that you don't trouble anyone else with your issues. These issues are all consuming in life, but somehow they seem to be trivial things that others shouldn't need to see or help with.



I want to try and explain what this life is like to those who don't fully understand.

If you are living with depression or anxiety, please be careful with reading this next part. I know what that life feels like, and this next part could be a little too real. Please feel free to skip ahead if you need to.



Imagine, if you can, living in the pit. Alone, dark, without drive or purpose. It's like being asleep but not resting. Life without living. You decide you are done with this non-existence and want to take the healthy next step. You decide to try and climb out of the pit. You can see the light, the laughter, above you. You see people who could care about you.

Now imagine that the wall of anxiety hits you.

You fall crashing from the heights you've achieved. You lay broken, crying, struggling to breath. No one is there to help. You scream, words stop making sense, only primal sounds escape your lips.

No one is there to hear your cries.

No one is there to tell you to breath.

No one is there to hold your broken body.

No one sees your pain.

Now you gaze up at the top of the pit, which got a little deeper from the impact of your crash. You see those who are happy, who are living their lives with a purpose. You want to join them. But now you know that the wall could appear from anywhere. And you know how agonizing the fall is now.



This is what living with depression and anxiety can feel like. It's not how everyone feel it. But what I can tell you is that everyone wears a mask. Be it just to get along with that one friend of a friend who you just can't stand, to hide depression so others don't feel it's burden, or simply because the mask has been in place so long that you've forgotten how to take it off.
This tattoo is me. Literally. I had this done within the last week, and it holds so much meaning to me. I will forever have inscribed in my skin that the smiles may hide the pain. Some people become so skilled at acting, at portraying the role of a happy person, that others are convinced. They don't see the actual face under the mask. They don't see the pain, the tears, the anguish.

If you suspect someone you know is struggling with depression, don't push them to talk to you. That can be so incredibly difficult. Just stay close. Watch them. Notice the small changes in their being. You'll know when you can talk to them about it, when they want to talk to you, when you need to just listen, or when you need to simply be there for them.

“I hid my wound under my clothes. Nobody could see it, including myself, and I completely forgot about it. Then I met someone who, filled with love, held me tight in that point. The pain was devastating, and I hated him, o how much I hated him, the cause of all my suffering. Then I met someone, beautifully dressed, and I loved him so much, holding him tight with all my passion. And he suffered badly, and he hated me, o how much he hated me, the cause of all his pain. So the story went on till I met someone who undressed himself, standing completely naked, with all his horrible wounds. Hence I also undressed, and I saw my horrible wounds, which he could also see. Then...” 
― Franco Santoro

Toodles!

The Wall

The amount of reality in this picture hits me right in the feels. For people who have never had to deal with anxiety in their own lives, count yourself insanely lucky. To be clear, anxiety and depression are two different things, though they often go hand in hand. Depression makes you feel like shit, that you don't want to do anything. Anxiety makes you think about why you'd fail, who you're letting down, what could go wrong, and anytime you've failed in the past. That's the worst part about anxiety. It makes you think. You get caught up in your own head and tear yourself apart, without even attempting the thing that is causing you to panic.

Now, people experience anxiety and depression differently on a person to person basis. Some people shut themselves down, refusing to feel anything. Some feel too much, and get overloaded and breakdown. Some yell and scream, logically or irrationally. Some might even get violent, with objects or (unfortunately) themselves or other people.

If you're someone who has anxiety, or are simply trying to help someone who has it, one method you can use to fight against an anxiety attack is with a method called "grounding".

Grounding does not solve an anxiety attack. That is not what it's purpose is. Grounding is essentially a very simple form of meditation that helps you calm down, to put your brain back in control so you can deal with what is actually bothering you. Anxiety and depression have a nasty habit of blowing a small problem way out of proportion.

I'd like to mention one more thing before I finish up. It is OKAY to not know what is wrong. It is OKAY to not know how to fix why you feel this way right now. It is OKAY that you don't feel the same way as some other people. It is OKAY to feel that things in your life are difficult, even without being a kid in some place in Africa.

Right now, everything might feel like a pile of shit. But it will be okay. It might not be okay in the next minute, or the next hour, or tomorrow. But it will be okay. It will work out eventually. And there is ALWAYS at least one person who cares about you.

Remember that. I care.

Toodles!

Pacing

Something that has always been interesting to me is the pace at which people take relationships, and what is considered an acceptable pace by our society. Every relationship I've been in has taken a different pace, but each one felt like the right speed at the time. I wonder what it is that constitutes the rate a relationship develops? How do you get from that first touch to the first kiss, when the closeness in private becomes public, when you talk about the next weekend and then you're talking about years in advance?

Another part of this that intrigues me is how some relationships stall out at certain stages. I've been with a girl that had the relationship stop at being comfortable with each other's proximity in private, which occurred quite quickly, but never went public. Another took almost two months just to be comfortable with each other in our physical bubbles. After a lot of work and patience, we progressed to being public and making those short term plans with each other, but there was never a thought about spending our lives together.

Which brings me to my next area of interest for the norm of relationships. Talking about spending the future with your partner shouldn't feel scary. It should be exciting. Even if it's not easy, or is still a ways off in the future, I believe that honesty should rule in a relationship. If you are willing to move somewhere else for your partner's career or education, they should know that. If you want children or not, they should know. Most importantly, they should know if you can actually see a future with them.

It could just be that I've finally grown up, and want to be with someone for the rest of my life. I only want that one partner, who knows all the parts that make me up. But I'm still stuck with the issue of pacing. How long do we need to be together for me to know with absolute certainty that we will spend our lives together? How long before we begin making life decisions based around each other?

I'm curious as to what other people's opinions on pacing in relationships are. Please leave your thoughts, or stories you've experienced on the matter, in the comments below. You can always leave your comments as anonymous if you wish.

Toodles!

Looking at You

I've been in a very poetic mood these last couple of weeks. For those who enjoy reading it, awesome, I'm always open to input. For those who don't, sorry, but suck it up. You're still reading, so you must be doing okay. I appreciate all my readers, whether they like each post or not. Anyway, Monday posts should be swapping back and forth between poetry and more perspective writings, like before.

BUT, for now, there is poetry to be done. I have a muse, so I shall use the inspiration.


Looking at You

I look at you

I see all the needs you ask of me

Just the brush of a hand

Against your hand, your leg, your cheek, anywhere with skin

To lock your fingers inbetween mine

Even when we fight over who's thumb goes on top

Wordlessly begging for a kiss

Your eyes widen then close,your head tilts

I see the pain too

A kind act, received with confusion

You were skeptical of my generosity

A tight embrace, trying to hide the whimper

You didn't want to let go

A warm smile, causes you sadness

You grow accustomed to being happy, you don't want to lose it

I see you watching me

An inquisitive quirk, an eyebrow raised

You question my expressions, seeking their causes

An adorable giggle, a full laugh

You enjoy my flusters, especially when you cause them 

The smallest of smiles, gentle but apparent

Sometimes you simple like to look

And while I watch you looking at me, I wonder.

Do you see what I see in you?
Do you see those things in me?



Toodles!

A Beautiful Ghost

Some of my thoughts from the last week. The things that you think of when you miss that one person.


A Beautiful Ghost

You're not here with me

So why do I look for you?

I see you in the things around me

But can never find you attached to them

I can almost hear your laugh

Almost see you turn the corner just ahead of me

It's like I'm always just a few seconds late

I look up, expecting to drown in those blue eyes

Only to see an empty seat

Why do months pass without a thought?

Why do days drag into eternity?

You've told me you hate the ghosts of this place

But now you're one of them

And I would burn the world to keep the spectres here

You're not here with me

But soon, I won't be either

And then I'll see you again



Toodles!

The Heart

The heart is a muscle

The most vital of vitals

Ceaseless until forever quieted

A simple set of motions

Crucial to all others

And yet

The heart is so much more

The heart is alive

It yearns 

It breaks

It heals

It speaks

It hides

It questions

It answers

The heart is a tattoo

The marks, permanent

Created through pain

Expressive, a thing of beauty

It can be individual, unique 

It can be a copy, a passing fad

Not every one is easy to understand

The meaning behind it's shape

It's placement

It's colour

Could be more than you could every understand

The heart is a coin

Try your luck

One choice or another

Flipping it covers one face

But that doesn't mean it's not still there

You long for one option the moment it hit the air

It doesn't always land on the side you really wanted

Even if it may be hard to pick up off the ground afterwards

You can always choose to flip again

When you feel ready

The heart is a box

Some are locked

Or chained down by terrible weight

It can be filled with treasures, or sadly empty

Housing such agonizing joy

Such delicious pain

The heart is a beast

Many faced

It is a lion 

With a terrible bite and harsh tone

It is a porcupine

Withdrawn within itself, only to hurt those nearby

It is a tortoise

Defending through solitude, an unbreakable, unreadable wall

It is a fawn

Speaking only the softest of words, it is delicate, and loving

The governing face, constantly shifting

Constantly combining with another aspect

An everchanging beast

The heart is a muscle

But it is so much more

The Social Antisocial

Being an introvert makes life…interesting. I value my personal time, My hobbies are my passion, and I have a hard time enjoying new activities that I didn’t decide to pursue.

Simultaneously, I love spending my personal time with others, meeting people with similar hobbies, and discovering things that I normally wouldn't have thought to try.

Another paradoxical part of me is how my personal space fluctuates. Depending on the situation and the people involved, I can either have no bubble whatsoever and love physical contact, or absolutely despise having people near me. I developed a curious tick when I was younger. Having people that I don't implicitly trust standing behind me makes me physically uncomfortable, to the point where I will shiver and have to turn to at least see them in my peripheral vision. My best guess is that it came from many years of being beat up, and I can't shake it now.

Anyway, being socially antisocial is something I've come to realize a lot of people I know also feel. It's the need to be around people, to know that you're not alone. It's simultaneously the need to not have people interact with you, to have them leave you to your thoughts. Sometimes this also involves being left physically alone, other times it requires immense amounts of cuddling. If you learn how to read the small signs in these odd people, you can make their lives much better. You'll know when to give them a hug, a light touch on the shoulder, or when to sit next to them, a foot away, on the opposite side of the room. It varies, sorry, people aren't an exact science (no matter how much I would love them to be sometimes).

One thing to take away from this as well is to find out if you are a physical contact type of person. There are more of us out there than you think, and we really want you to hug us. There's literally nothing sexual in it unless you want there to be, but we really want that skin contact. 

A lifelong book

Reading subtle texts

Each twist and turn portraying an idea

Each twist and turn hiding an emotion

Easily shown

Easily misread

The mass of information is overwhelming

To learn to read

An invaluable skill

To finish just one takes a lifetime

A face makes for the greatest book

Toodles!

Pride

I have been told (by those much more qualified in psychology than myself) that I am a self-sabotaging perfectionist. What this means is that I would rather not attempt something and fail through inaction than to make an attempt and get it wrong. Part of why I have this mindset is how I was raised. The outcome is what matters, not the effort. If I received at good mark in school, I was asked by my parents why I didn't do it perfectly, made to focus on the mistakes I made instead of the accomplishments I had achieved. It probably doesn't help that I became a musician, where getting something almost all right is unacceptable. Perfection, or as near as possible to perfection, is expected.

Now, onto the matter at hand. Being a perfectionist means that when I actually attempt something, I put my all into it. I take huge pride in the things I do, especially the things I believe I do well. Teaching percussion is one of those things. Another is being able to help people physically with my knowledge of reflexology and massage (though I have a TON left to learn in those areas). An obvious one is my knowledge of tea. And a big one is my ability to organize and make things efficient. When someone belittles or attacks my efforts in one of these areas, it is a huge assault on my pride. These things are areas of my character that I believe are fairly core to my being, and having someone say that my efforts are poorly done or worthless cuts me to my core.

What makes each individual person unique is what they define as their core beliefs. You can always tell when someone is discussing something that is foundational to them. They are more energetic, more passionate. They have a look in their eyes that even the untrained can see. What you need to careful of is what you say to people before you understand what these beliefs are for them. Something this personal usually takes time to unearth, with some beliefs being closer to the surface than others. The danger is that you may offend someone by calling them down on something that they feel strongly about.

Be careful when you say something with sarcasm or with the intention of being a light joke. You never know when you might be spitting in the face of their god (literally or otherwise).

Toodles!

An Older Thought, Renewed

Coming up with something profound to write about each Monday can prove to be a bit of a challenge. After a long day at work and a rough day for the people close to me, I find myself lacking the inspiration to find something new to write. Instead, I'll revisit something older. I recently found a piece of poetry that I wrote years ago. After reading it again, I tweaked it slightly and found it to be oddly accurate to my current situation with Kitten.

Each night I lay here

Having one sided conversations

Posing questions without answers.

My daily monotony fills my head

I yearn to hear your voice

Hearing mine makes you pout.

All I have are fleeting moments

A handful of pixels

An armful of air.

I sit at night writing

Hoping my rambling makes you smile. 

I curse the same system I rely on

For not bringing back your words

Your voice

Your smile. 

All I know is that while I lay here

Thinking of questions for the air in my arms,

I hope you lie there, having one sided conversations.

Toodles!

Character and Empathy

I apologize in advance if this post gets a little ranty. One friend said I should get angry and explode about this, while Kitten said I should keep calm and take this objectively.

Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship for me. If there isn't honesty and trust, there's no room for lasting love. Now, I'm not talking about lying about your plans so you can surprise your partner with something. I'm talking about the things that cause damage. Repressing your opinions, not bringing up pet peeves or issues. What I didn't count on was what people say after a relationship has already ended.

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons, but rarely in my experience do the people involved part on good terms. Some people are hurt, or bitter, or even spiteful. The hope is that after a period of time, which is different for everyone, you both have moved on with life and let the other person go.

I recently discovered that an ex of mine has been spreading a rumour about me. Normally, I wouldn't really care about what an ex says about me. This situation is different. She is telling people who really don't need to know about our past that I cheated on her while we were together. This offends me on so many levels. First and foremost, she is lying to people, and I hate when people lie. Secondly, she is discussing our private matters (fictitious or not) with people who have no business knowing those kinds of things about me. Third, my reputation and character are being tainted to people who don't know me. I think I am a fairly moral person, and value faithfulness in a relationship extremely high. When I meet new people, I'm always worrying about what preconceptions they have about me because of what my ex says about me.

Now, to be slightly less ranty, onto the discussion of character. A person's character is massively important to how they are perceived in the world. It colours how people interact with you, how you interact with others, your morales, and even your sense of humour. There are far too many comics about how doing things you dislike builds character, and not enough explanation behind it. Doing things you dislike gives you a source of empathy, an understanding of others difficulty based on experience. Many people now only have sympathy, the pity of pain they don't understand. While both are important, empathy is more effective than sympathy. Building this empathy does make you stronger in character, because it allows you to relate to more people on a real level and be more accepting of their plights. Many times you don't even know what has happened  to someone, but you know what the look on their face, eyes, or body language represents. When that happens, give them a smile, an ear to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. You never know what people have gone through, and you never know what information you think you know about their life is true.

Give people the benefit of the doubt. Treat them better than you've been treated. It might mean the world to them. 

Toodles!

Words for those who need them

I want to let you know how much it actually means to me that you actually read this blog. The fact that there are people on the internet, some of which I have never met in any form, who are interested in what I have to say means the world to me. Whether or not people leave comments is irrelevant. Just knowing that people take time out of their day to read this blog fills me with a sense of accomplishment. I'm telling you this so that I can make the follow statement with some meaning behind it:

I care about you, and your well-being.

I may not be in the same city, provence, country, or even continent as you right now. But know that someone, somewhere, cares about you. Take some amount of comfort, if you please, in the fact that you make my life better simply by being you. That's you as you are right now. Not the you from yesterday, or the you from next week. The you, right now, reading this, in whatever state of mind you currently are in.

Now, I know that there are different kinds of depression, big and small. Some of you have been diagnosed and are taking medication. Some of you may be struggling with the decision of whether or not to get that check-up. Some of you may not even be aware of the fact that the depression is there. And still some others may be totally content with the state they're in right now. What's important to know is that regardless of what state you're in, it's alright. You are who you are right at this moment, chemically balanced or not. People around you choose to be there because of the who you are now.

For those of you who are skeptical, thinking "What does he know? Having depression is hard, and he couldn't possibly understand what I go through ever day," know that I do realize what it's like. I have been where you are, and I know how much of a struggle it can be to simply get out of bed. I want you to know that it does get better. It doesn't happen instantly, or in a day, or a week. It happens at your own pace, a little bit at a time, and with help from others. If you want advice, ask someone for it. If you want to vent, ask someone to just listen. If you just want to sit in a room and not talk to anyone, ask someone to sit in silence with you. If you don't know who to ask, ask me. I'll sit silently in front of my computer on Skype if that's what you need. You will find out who your lifelong friends are by finding out who will help you when you ask.

I realize that I don't know a lot, that I don't have a medical degree or a firm understanding of what depression actually does to each individual person. All I can offer is to tell you I care about you, and I want to do whatever I can to help you feel even a little bit better. I also have some tips and tricks that may help you get one step higher on the ladder climb out. They helped me when I needed it.

-Stay away from processed foods. The chemicals and preservatives don't help you when your body is already out of whack chemically,

-Cut down on carbohydrates, especially empty carbs. They convert into chemicals that, while good for sustenance, are oddly bad for mental health. Switching to a more protein based diet from my carb based one made me feel immensely better.

-Open the blinds (And a window, weather permitting). You don't have to go outside, but getting light and fresh air into your environment can help.

-Eat spicy food or drink chai tea (And anyone who reads this blog know that I mean REAL chai tea [There is a dramatic difference]). The chemicals in both help to balance your own levels.

-Talk to someone, even if it's just yourself. Using your voice can help lift your spirits. Being alone in silence keeps you bottled up and unable to let go of thoughts.

-Try to do something you enjoy every day. Even if it's just one small thing, and you do it once a day, it can help. If you can, find that thing that makes you smile.

-Overcome the negative stigma behind seeing a doctor. Their job is to help you, be it through an exercise routine, a diet change, medication, social changes, or any number of other possible solutions. 

One last thing. Somehow, our society has conditioned us to believe that those with depression are weak, broken, damaged, or lesser people. Don't believe this for even a moment. Those who suffer from depression and anxiety do exactly that. They suffer. Don't judge others because of a condition they have, embrace them for the strength they possess.

I can't promise you that these things will help you. I can tell you that these things helped me over time. If nothing else, remember that I think you're awesome. There is, at the very least, one person in the world who cares about how you are doing.

Toodles!

Find a Reason

I do apologize to my readers that haven't been posting on my regular schedule. Between the insane work hours, and talking to a pretty girl, my posting has definitely suffered.

Speaking of a pretty girl, I smile like a complete idiot when I talk to her. That grin is the topic of today's post. The difference in my mood has been huge since I started talking with this girl (I'll call her Kitten, for the sake of giving her a name on the Internet). I can have an absolutely abysmal day, but two seconds into a Skype call with Kitten has me smiling and laughing.

This isn't a post intended to be a bragging thing. I simply want to illustrate the impact that having a reason to smile can have. It might be a book you love, a video game, a cup of tea, a person who understands how your brain works. It's different for everyone, but there's something out there that never fails to make you smile. If you know what that thing is, make sure you hold onto it, and treat it well. You never know when something will happen and you might lose it. If you haven't found that foolproof source of a smile, don't give up. You might go for quite some time without a genuine smile source, but you'll find it. Trust me.

This might not be as profound as some of my other Monday posts, but it certainly an important one. Figure out what makes you happy, and do it. It's better to enjoy your life and embrace the pain of loss afterwards, than to sit in fear of being hurt and not enjoying anything. 

Find your reason. It's there. It might seem small, but it's huge to you, and that's what matters.

Thanks for making me smile Kitten. 

Toodles!

Uses for Fear

Monday mornings are always a little slow to start for me. Because I usually take a little while for my brain to boot up, it gives me a chance to listen to some calmer music, get my thoughts in line, and sip at some tea at it's intended temperature (instead of forgetting I have a cup and ending up with that gross lukewarm temperature). I decided that this setup would be perfect for me to write about a little heavier topics, about things happening in my life, or my opinion on certain topics. If you're not looking to read what will probably be fairly rant-y or repetitive (Look, blog name!), you might want to avoid Monday posts. But these posts in particular are how I process, and I've been told that my ranting have helped every now and then.

Something that I've heard before is that "You should never be afraid". This gets applied to a lot of situations, don't be afraid to try, to fail, to put yourself out there. There are lots of circumstances that you're not "supposed" to be afraid. The truth is, people are only human. Fear is what has kept people alive for so long and caused us to evolve to the point that we currently are at. Fear keeps you from doing something that could hurt you, kill you, and leave you in a place you really don't want to be in.

It has it's uses, for sure. It gives us those shots of adrenaline that help us accomplish things we didn't know we could do. It causes you to think about what you're doing, to weigh the outcomes. But what fear should not do is stop you from living. I'm not saying that you should just do whatever pops into your mind, regardless of consequence. Fighting a bear probably won't end well for you. What I am saying is that if you let become a CONTROLLING factor in your life, you will not move forward. Life is about taking those calculated risks and either gaining something or learning from your decisions. If you ask out that cute guy/girl/person, they might say no, and yeah getting rejected sucks. But they might say yes. They might end up being the person you marry. You could end up spending the rest of your life with that random person you saw at the bus stop.

Fear should be a tempering force, not a limiting one. If you don't take risks in life, you won't move forward. Living a life that is stagnant, where nothing changes for better or worse, isn't living. It's something that I have massive anxiety about for no particular reason. But you can overcome your fears. Speaking from experience, my own life has vastly improved because I stopped being afraid of people's judgements of my life. I embrace the mistakes I've made, focused on what I learned from them instead. I've made leaps of faith that haven't worked out so great, but I'm still here, I'm still moving forward.

Take the chance, see where you end up in life. You either win or you learn. Don't let fear control you, let it help you.

Toodles